Gate Guard Hall of Fame

“If we don’t change direction soon, we’ll end up where we’re going.” – Professor Irwin Corey

Seems like every day there’s mention on the tube of some new record for whatever.

Worlds heaviest pumpkin. 1,810 lbs.

Most T-shirts worn at once. 245

Most living generations – 6

Longest ears on a dog – 27.3 inches combined

Heaviest weight pulled with eye sockets – 907 lbs

 Fastest individual 1 mile run wearing swim fins – 7 minutes 56 seconds

And, of course, this is the time of the year we hear about baseball records…….millions of them. Baseball is the statistical king of sports. They keep records for and on everything. Most home runs…Most perfect games..Highest batting average and more records ad nauseam.

 Maybe we should start keeping Gate Guarding statitiscs.

Most logs in 24 hours.

Most rigs working at the same time.

Most books read in a week.

Most snakes eradicated in a day??

Most dirt/dust in RV in a week?

Most days without  a break?

Most Judge Judy episodes watched?

Worst mud problem?

Most trips to Walmart in 30 days.

Most miles traveled Walmart

And………of course…………..most blogs read in a day.

Honestly, there are many more statistics to capture. I just can’t think of all of them now. You know what they are. I’ll bet you have a list of your own. How bout a list of the least and/or the  worst?

Give the lists about 10 years to accumulate data and mature and whammo…………………we take the next logical step………………

A GATE GUARD HALL OF FAME.

We’d have to build the hall somewhere in south Texas, probably on an abandoned dry well.

Just sayin.

“When I asked the baseball writers why they hadn’t elected me to the Hall of Fame, they told me they thought I was still playing.”  – Bob Uecker

Rope Light Update

“Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.” – George Burns

It’s been 2 weeks since our post on rope lights. Time for an update.

Before the ropes……………..mice in the RV.

Since the ropes……………….no mice…………….no snakes.

Now I’m not saying this is irrefutable evidence rope lights  work to  keep  out rodents and other unwelcome pests. Could be coincidence.

And, I must confess, in addition to the lights I also spread moth balls around.

Do you believe in coincidence?

 “He taught me housekeeping; when I divorce I keep the house.” – Za Za Gabor

Aging……….what good is it?

“If walking/cycling is good for your health, the postman would be immortal. A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water, and is fat. A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years. A tortoise doesn’t run and does nothing, yet it lives for 450 years.” Unknown

Gaby and I are both 69. Well……………she is 7 months older than I am. She took advantage of my youth and innocence, but that’s another post. A lot of things happen as we age, not the least of which is the surprise of it all.

Inside every older person is a young one screaming “what the hell just happened?”

How did I get this old? Did I really serve a 4 year hitch in the Army? It was only last week that I was in college and raising hell. Just last year I was 16 and working up the nerve to kiss my girlfriend. Not that long ago I was playing my first little league baseball game. Marty Lentz was the opposing pitcher. He was big, fast, and scared the hell  out of me.

Sometimes it seems none of this happened and it’s all just some dream.

Gaby and me about 16 or 17. I would have fallen for her then as I did when I met her at  25.

Us, 52 years and 2 kids later. Again, I ask—-What the hell happened?

I see my dad in the mirror now and that causes me to really reflect on my life, our life.

But that’s another post, someday, maybe.

Know what’s worse………….when Gaby looks in the mirror she sees HER FATHER.

Rather than dwell on declining health and the looming presence of the “Grim Reaper”, I like to focus on the humorous aspects of aging.

For example, memory loss can be entertaining if you can laugh at yourself.

Alright Gaby…………….what did you do with my glasses? I’ve looked everywhere.

Have you looked in the mirror?        

Gaby, what have  you done with my phone???!!!!!!! Notice how I blame her for hiding everything from me. I know she does it. Gets her jollies that way.

You’re kidding………right. You can’t be serious.

The phone scenario really happened. I sat in the chair and drooled for 30 minutes. Seemed like the thing to do for people such as I.

What is that name again? OK……this is not  so bad. After all, hundreds pass through a gate and no one can remember all of  the names. Can they? Well……………it’s kinda bad when you just checked them in 30 minutes ago.

How old is David (our son) again?

When did we move to Colorado?

Where is that grocery list?

What was on that grocery list?

And the lost and forgotten saga goes on and on, each and every day.

If I ever stop writing this blog, you can probably safely assume I just forgot about it.

“If the fans don’t come out to the ball park, you can’t stop them.” – Yogi Berra

$20,000 and counting

“Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving.”  Erma Bombeck

Daddy………………….have you ever seen a lot  of money?

Like how much?

Oh, I don’t know. Say………………..$20,000.

Well, as a matter of fact Jr., I have.

What did it look ?

Well……………..it looked like this::

Daddy……………………………………you are so full of it.

No son, I speak the truth. Consider the following:

Tank holds 200 barrels. At a $100 a barrel that equals $20,000 rolling out the gate and down the road about 6 times a day. $120,000 a day, every day. $840,000 a week. $3,360,000 per month. $40,320,000 a year.  (Company man gave  me those figures.)

$20,000. Isn’t that what Alex Rodriquez gets every time he steps up to the plate?

So son, the moral of the story is: grow up to be a baseball superstar or, at the very least, make sure you own the mineral rights.

“As I was lying in bed pondering the problems of the world, I rapidly realized that I don’t really give a rat’s ass.” ~ Unknown

Of Mice, Snakes, and Men

“I can always tell when the mother in law’s coming to stay; the mice throw themselves on the traps.” ~  Les Dawson

Us

VS

Them

 

Weapons  of  choice 

 

Moth balls various types of mouse traps – poison – Snake A Way

Snake guards – Long handled shovel

OK – that’s it. Those are all the weapons available. There are no  others. Zip-nil-nada. End of story.

Wrong old hockey puck breath. There are those who claim the ultimate weapon is………………….

Night

Day

Rope lights. The ultimate weapon? Snakes, mice, and varmints in general will not cross the rope light. Some say so.

We shall see.

“He can run anytime he wants. I’m giving him the red light.” – Yogi Berra

Caney Creek Corps Park – Lake Texoma

“Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance? “ – Phyllis Diller

Our 2 week hiatus is coming to an end. Friday we leave for College Station to visit our good friends Lynn and Sue. Saturday morning we’ll report back to the gate in Helena.

Arrived at the Caney Creek Corps park just  south of Kingston, OK Monday for 4 days of just chillin with our friends Loyd and Judy Vaughn. They are the gate attendants at this park and this is their first such assignment. I think they really like the job. They tried gate guarding for awhile but this is more their style.

Corps park attendants are government bid positions. I think it pays roughly $70 to $90 a day depending on the park and the bid. The work day is 10 hours, 5 days per week, 4/1 through 7/1. 8 hours a day 7/1 through 10/1. Job responsibilities are limited to handling reservations and checking people in at the gate. The gate is closed 10 pm to 6 am. Pretty much a piece of cake.

Lloyd and Judy at their site in the park. Park attendants get a nice, shady site with cement slab and full hook ups. Looks good.

Our site right on the lake.

Our view of Lake Texoma.

“The towels were so thick there I could hardly close my suitcase.”  - Yogi Berra

Show me the money…..

“Don’t go around saying the world owes you a living; the world owes you nothing; it was here first.”  Mark Twain

4/21

Left the gate in Helena for 2 weeks of  probes, pokes, repairs, and sleep.  The task of separating us from our money began with a stop in Schulenberg at Loves Stop  N Rob to top off the Bounder’s tanks where they proudly advertised diesel at $4.04 per gallon. $220 to top off the tanks. Sticker shock!!!

We had hardly begun and already our funds were disappearing. We have been here for a week and our bank account has been bleeding like a stuck pig. Everybody wants our money.

Little did we know that the bleeding was just beginning. We were about to discover an iniquitous conspiracy to put us on welfare or, at the very least, chain us to a gate for the foreseeable future. I don’t know what happened. Seems like everything is so much more expensive.

Maybe it’s just me. Possibly I just wasn’t paying that much attention to expenditures in the past. Or, just maybe, everything IS MORE EXPENSIVE.

440 miles later we arrived at the Lazy L RV Park. $236 for 9 days.

4/22

Dinner with son and family at the Sherman Cracker Barrel. $28 for 2. Comparatively cheap, but still another stone on the pile.

4/23

Slept most of the day. Some shopping. Books – Tools – Bed N Bath stuff. More funds gone. Roughly $140.

4/24

Our Bounder is 13 years old. It began to deteriorate the moment we drove it off the lot. That’s a given. The process continued unabated over the years as we drove through all of the lower 48 for a total of 110,000 miles.

However, that process accelerated dramatically while gate guarding these past few years. As a result, we just can’t seem to get ahead. A very  large chunk of our earnings goes towards Motorhome maintenance. The constant bombardment of the Texas sun has really aged the old girl.

 

Man….that’s bad.

Time for my quarterly stop at the North Texas RV money pit. When I show up, the guys start singing and dancing. Chants of “Pay Day”, reverberate throughout the tool strewn bays.

Targeted this time are 1. leaky washing machine 2. leaky throne 3. entry steps and 4. an oil change for the diesel.

Working on that throne. Well…………..somebody has to do it. Chad was not a happy camper at this moment.

How we gonna do this? The washing machine is 24.5 inches wide and the door is 24 inches wide.

Man…………..I’ve got to lose some weight.

6 hours later, the washing machine is gone to another shop for repairs, the leaky throne has been replaced with a new one, the steps are fixed, and the diesel is infused with new oil and filter. All of that for about $700 and that does not include the final verdict on the washing machine. Do you guys take plastic?

Lunch  at Panera Bread. Great sandwiches and soup. $18

Completed the days spending spree with a wonderful catfish dinner at one of our favorite catfish restaurants. Gaby had to have the shrimp. Catfish for me. $30.

4/25

AM appt. with my Urologist. 15 minutes of scopes, probes, and a clean bill of health. Thanks Doc. 

Lunch at Jimmy John’s. Great subs. $16

Loaded up  on reading material. 80 bucks or so.

PM trip to Albertsons. Total days cost – over $300.

4/26

Prescriptions and other stuff at Walmart. $160.

Diamond Service Center, Howe, Texas. We took the Bounder here for a brake check.

Got  out of there in good shape as brakes only needed an adjustment. With state safety inspection the total bill came to $120. OK.

Fill up van. $3.89 per gal at Walmart. $75

4/27

Gaby’s doctor. Most of the day spent chillin.

So we went through over $2,000 in 7 days. You may be of the opinion we ate out too much. 4 restaurant meals in over 3 months. Doesn’t seem to be extravagant to us.

Vehicle maintenance, fuel, groceries, and park fees are eating us alive. Seems like we just can’t get ahead.

“When half of the people get the idea that they do not have to work, because the other half is going to take care of them, and when the other half gets the idea that it does no good to work, because somebody else is going to get what they work for, that is the beginning of the end of any nation!” Unknown

Shout out to Harry. Thanks for the inspiration.

The Name Game………or………….what were you thinking?

“When a thing is funny, search it for a hidden truth”. - George Bernard Shaw

Some neat and interesting names pass through these gates. For example:

Sledge – (Met this guy on a gate in Freer. He was the ranch foreman. Last name was not hammer) – Ram; Nacho; Sim (German name. This  guy is a direct descendant of the first  Germans to settle in the Hill country.) – Cacho; Israel. All of  these are interesting names but certainly not weird. Well…okay. Maybe Sledge is a reach. It’s not weird, but……………….well you know.

Don’t know why but this got me to thinking. How many really different names are out there?

Found these on the net:  Gaye Males – Judy Graham Swallows – Robert Fagot – Chew Kok - Oliver Loser – Willie Stroker  – Jesus Condom. I’m not making this up. Those are real names.

“God, I can’t believe you stuck me with that moniker. WHAT were you thinkin?”

Could this  just be the tip of the iceberg? Oh yes.

The Hogg family of Houston, TX named their daughter “Ima”.

With some names, all  you can do is just scratch your  head.

“Jett” - child of John Travolta

“Chastity” - child or Cher Bono

“Ocean” – child of Forest Whitaker.

“Chanda Lear” – daughter of the Lear jet family

“Rocket” - First child of Robert Rodriques

“Audio Science” - child of actress Shannyn Sossasum.

“Moon Unit” and “Diva Thin Muffin” - child of Frank Penn Jillette

“Moxie Crimefighter Jillette” - child of Penn Jillette

“Tu Morrow” – child of Rob Morrow

“Jermajesty” –  child of Jermaine Jackson

“Apple” - child of  Gwyneth Paltrow

“Sage Moonblood” – child of Sylvester Stallone

“Memphis Eve” – child of Bono

 Man, that Hollywood crowd. Aren’t they something!!!!!!!!!!

Other stuff. Again, these are real names for real people.

 Dick Assman. - Wasn’t this  guy the inspiration for a Seinfeld episode?

 Urhines Kendall Icy Eight Special K.

GoldenPalaceDotCom Silverman. Named after a casino in Vegas

Brfxxccxxmnpcccclllmmnprxvclmnckssqlbb11116 (Pronounced “albin”).

 OK. Now my mind is reeling. Who does this to their children and why? After days of thought and an insignificant amount of research, I have no idea. Maybe you do.

 Some names are clever. For example,  Ella Mentry. 

Some names are funny.  With all of them you’ve got to wonder: “What were they thinking?

April Showers – Bar B Cue – Barry Schmelly - Ben Dover – Bertha D. Blues – Cole Kutz - Emerson Biggins - Harry Balls – Haywood Yablome - Holly Woods – Howie Feltersnatch -  Jack Cass – Justin Case – Leigha Tard - Max E. Pad – Dee Mented.

My parents  named me Bob. Thank you Mom and Dad.

 “If God had to give a woman wrinkles, He might at least have put them on the soles of her feet.”   Ninon de L’Enclos

A Spot In The Road

“I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don’t have as many people who believe it.”   George Carlin

Just another spot  in the road. How many of these have we flown through without even a cursory thought? Thousands I’m sure. If I had the time or the inclination to just scratch  the surface, chances are another world of life, love, death, drama, joy, heartache, and historical events would be revealed.

This obscure “spot in the road” is at the junction of SR 80 and FM 81, just 7 miles northeast of Karnes City, TX.

  

Welcome to Helena, Tx., “The Toughest Town on Earth.” 

“Present-day Helena stands forlorn and forgotten some seven miles northeast of Karnes City on State Highway 80. For forty years, however, the town had a reputation for shooting, fighting, stealing, and drinking far out of proportion to its peak population of 600. It was the wildest Texas town during a particularly turbulent period”.  (Texas Historical Society)

Turns out this little spot in the road has quite a history. If you are really interested, do a google search for Helena, TX for an in depth accounting.

A few interesting facts:

1. This was the mid point of the old Chihuahua Road or Ox-Cart Trail. It was the primary route between San Antonio and Goliad on the way to the Texas coast. At one time, Helena was the most important city on  that  route.

2. At it’s zenith, Helena had a population of 600. At least half of them were cowboys, outlaws, drunks, teamsters, and other assorted ne’er do wells. Mayhem was the norm and the good half argued to ban alcohol from the city. Daily life in Helena made the gunfight at the OK corral look like a sunday picnic.

3. In 1854, Helena was established as the original county seat of Karnes County. The county seat was moved to Karnes City in 1893.

4. Conquistadors, armies, ox carts, Robert E. Lee, and Alamo fighters trod this sacred ground .

5. Jobs taken by illegals. Oh yeah. Even in pre civil war days it was  a problem. The “Cart War” was a fight between Texas cart drivers and Mexicans hired at a lower rate. Numerous raids, fights, and deaths finally ended when the Mexicans went home.

6. “Helena Duel” – The lawlessness and everyday mayhem of the Toughest Town on Earth gave rise to the infamous “Helena Duel”. Two bad guys would be stripped. Their left wrists would be strapped together. Each, armed with a 3 inch blade, would then slash away at each other until one bled death from the wounds. Crowds of blood thirsty spectators would watch, cheer, and bet on the outcome.

Old store and Masonic Lodge.

Helena town scene from long ago. Wonder who these guys were?

Thomas Ruckman, founder of Helena. 1826 – 1914

This is the old county courthouse. It was built-in 1873 to replace the original building that was destroyed by a tornado in 1863.

They couldn’t afford to build a county jail. Originally, prisoners were simply chained to  something solid. Later, these structures were built of iron to house prisoners. Sort of an early 19th century iron gazebos. Imagine July and August in this thing.

 

Sadly, this kind of symbolizes the town now.

Anyway, the next time you rumble through a “spot in the road”, you just might remember the rootin, tootin, shoot em up town of Helena, TX, where conquistadors and Robert E. Lee once trod.  “The Toughest Town on Earth.” 

 “When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained”.  Mark Twain 

Miss Kitty

Miss Kitty    2000 – 2012

Lost our pet and companion of 12 years this morning. Had to put her down. I’ve been through this before and it never gets easier.

We’ve been dog people and just didn’t think it was possible to get that attached to a cat. But we did. She was a wonderful creature to have around. She was always there to pet or crawl into your lap and feel good doing it.

Cats love you in their own way and quite differently than dogs. Dogs love and need us. Cats just let us love them. And, contrary to popular thinking, they do need us. They just hide that need well. If you are perceptive, you will recognize the signs.

We took this  hard and yes, we cried. I’m not ashamed of that. It’s good to know we can still feel that way about another creature.

I hope you don’t mind me sharing this hurt with you. Maybe by spreading the pain around it won’t hurt so much.