Cancer

“It’s when you reach the end of things that you want to go back” – The Wrong Side of Goodbye by Michael Connelly

You have cancer.

I heard those words in 2009.

The paradigm shifted. Instinctively I knew my world, my life, my persona, my perspective would never be the same.

And, oddly, surrounded by doctors, nurses, and family, I felt very alone.

Scared.

Some people accept this diagnosis with fatalistic resignation.

Not me. It ricocheted through my consciousness and set my soul on fire.

I experienced real fear.

An operation to remove the cancer and seven years of treatment have left me cancer free. One of the lucky survivors.

Some experiences dramatically change us and from that moment we perceive life differently.

As a result of my experience I gained a personal and honest empathy for those suffering with life threatening health issues that would not have been possible before.

“Everything is relative and that’s what makes it so bloody complicated” – The Bat by Jo Nesbo

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Dead End

“The truth was, you couldn’t ever really know what was in someone else’s heart. It was difficult enough to know what was in your own.” – “The Devil Wins” by Robert B. Parker

Time and the flow of life change us dramatically through the years.

Ever reconnected with someone after decades of absence? You remember them as they were and eventually you end up trying to reconcile that memory with the current version.

That exercise can very well become a dead end.

So cherish the memory and keep it safe.

Unless, of course, the memory is a lie.

“They reached emotional crossroads at different times.” – “Innocent Monster” by Reed Farrel Coleman

Posted in America, Behavior, friendship, human, life, memory, Texas | 2 Comments

Napoleon Bonaparte

“It is essential that the morals and political ideas of the generation which is now growing up should no longer be dependent on the news of the day or circumstances of the moment.  Men already differ enough in their inclinations, their characters and everything that education does not give and cannot reform. Let us have a body of doctrine that doesn’t vary and a body of teachers that doesn’t die.”  – Napoleon Bonaparte

“Everything passes rapidly on earth, with the exception of the mark we leave on history” – Napoleon Bonaparte

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A minor repair

“More often than not people were out of their minds” – A Man Called Ove by Fredrik Backman

A trip to Home Depot. Needed parts and supplies for an important household repair. The exact nature of that task is not important. Suffice to say I was in attack mode. Testosterone flowing. Man stuff.

I intended to fix something.

And that should have been the first clue that this was not going to end well.

Sooooooooooooooooooooooooo…………………………..4 hours later.

My knuckles are skinned.

The bathroom is a mess with tools and parts distributed helter skelter.

Blood dripping down the sides of the sink.

My wife is cringing in fear in a corner.

God has forsaken me due to an explosion of profanity.

I have lost all faith in the rule of law.

Please God………………….save me from myself. Pleaseeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

“Sometimes, there are no right decisions. Sometimes, there is only the less wrong decision” – Edward Unspooled by Craig Lancaster

Posted in America, Behavior, Gate Guard, harm, misery, repairs, sex, Texas | 6 Comments

Loss

“When people enter your life, they expand your world. But when they leave, the void is that much greater” – Blueblood by Mathew Iden

Lost a dear friend recently. Cancer at 71. Not a pleasant experience.

Pat and I were High School sweethearts in Germany. And, as all Army brats know, those things never last. Time and separation take care of that.

But, the memories are there. Always.

“Cancer was not a bump in the road, it was the road, and life was what you made of it as you moved along.” – One Right Thing by Matthew Iden

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Toppings

“Temptation does not deliver most of us into evil because temptation is a constant and evil is a sometime thing with most of us.” – – “The Quick Red Fox”by John D. MacDonald

Ever give some serious thought to what makes you different from the rest of the human race? Unique in all the universe? In mind and body?

Something does. For sure.

Unfortunately, not all of us are distinctly good creatures.

And some, correction, most of you people are weird. Strange. Arcane

Got to wonder about that. I do.

Am I the only person in the world who prefers plain cheese cake without toppings?

What’s wrong with you people?

“If you give anyone ample opportunity, they will disappoint you” – “The Devil Wins” by Robert B. Parker

Posted in America, Food, human, sex, Strange, Texas, Uncategorized | 4 Comments

Plow The Fog

“How could anyone spend their whole life longing for the day when they become superfluous?” – A Man Called Ove by Fredrik Backman

I should stop all these examinations of life’s purpose, direction, and origins.

There really is no clear explanation for God or the origin and machinations of the Universe.

Human relationships are riddled with guile and caprice. Try to wrap your brain around that puzzle.

So anyway, I’ve been trying to get a handle on these and other mysteries.

I haven’t achieved a clear understanding of anything.

Fact is, a strong sense of insignificance seems to be taking root in my mind.

The easier option, it seems, is to embrace the mystery and relentlessly plow the fog.

That’s what I think.

 “Sometimes it’s better not to know how things work.” – Rogue Island by Bruce DeSilva

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Aphrodisiac

“Human nature is a vast, dark forest” – The Bat by Jo Nesbo

So…………..how are you Cliff?

Fine though I’m getting tired of parking in this RV repair shop yard.

How long you been there?

A week.

Wow. When will they finish the repairs?

Day……maybe two.

So back to the RV park then to wait for a gate?

Think so. Might take some time off and travel.

Where would you like to go?

 Maybe Hungary.

Are you serious?

Why not? Where would you go?

Italy. Maybe Spain. I spent a week in Barcelona when I was in High School and really liked everything about Spain. The food. The people. Great place. The only thing I didn’t like was the bull fight. A horrible spectacle.

I saw a bull fight in Mexico years ago. It turned me on. I couldn’t believe it. There I was, watching the fight and whamo, to my surprise I became…….well…….aroused.

Wait. What did you just say?

The bull fight I saw in Mexico was like an aphrodisiac. The Mexican blue pill. That’s why guys go to those things.

 Good grief Cliff……………..that is really weird.

“Many friendships were based on necessity and emotional dependency and nothing else” – “The Jealous Kind” by James Lee Burke

Posted in America, Behavior, Conversations, Gate Guard, life, sex, Spain, Strange, Texas | Leave a comment

Veterans Day

“Everything you do leaves traces” – The Bat by Jo Nesbo

I am a veteran.

I did in fact serve in the US Army from 1965 to 1969. Four years that seemed like a lifetime back then. Like all GI’s, I did not like the Army at all. Funny how time will alter one’s perspective.

Every veteran’s day I reminisce about those years and I think about how fortunate I was to serve this great country. It was an honor and a privilege.

This morning my daughter called to thank me for my service to the country. That wonderful gesture touched something deep in my soul. And how lucky am I to have a daughter that thoughtful. Wow.

“Everything we do changes us. Some things more than others” – “Redemption Street” by Reed Farrel Coleman

Posted in All kinds, America, Army, Behavior, friendship, Gate Guard, human, life, men, service, Texas, Veteran | 2 Comments

Sleep

“When do you know if you’re being stupid or not?” – The Long Ago and Faraway Gone by Lou Berney

At this point in my life, I really like to sleep. A solid 8 to 9 hours every night. Possibly a 45 minute power nap during the day. Yep. Sleep it is.

Except of course when dreams get in the way. There are nights when every mistake and bad decision I ever made fires up as my eyes close and rip through my mind. Real, restful sleep is not possible when the demons come a knockin.

But, that doesn’t happen often and generally I sleep like a contented baby.

Yep. Sleep it is. My favorite thing to do.

“The bad memories of her childhood seemed to crawl under her skin” – “The Jealous Kind” by James Lee Burke

Posted in All kinds, America, Behavior, child, life, sleep, Youth | 2 Comments