Easy Open

“Laughter is good for the soul and all your interior works.”  – News of the World by Paulette Jiles

Easy open. Just peel and lift.

Ok.

Remove black plastic top.

Lift the tab and gently pull.

Gently pull my @#$.

It took an act of Congress and a hernia to get this baby open.

It didn’t end there.

Honey. What could be more innocuous? Yet………..

Remove yellow cap. OK.

Now, just lift and peel. I lost my religion over this.

Adding insult to injury. My wife, witnessing my distress, took charge and easily removed the tab.

Ok God. I give up. Tell me what I did wrong and my penance.

“Human nature had not evolved along with its machines” – To the Last Man by Jeff Shaara

Posted in America, Behavior, evil, Food, God, life, packaging, Texas, torture | Tagged , , , , , , | 2 Comments

I Am So Screwed

“God was often busy elsewhere” – Master of War by David Gilman

After 20 years of living, working, and travelling in a motor-home, we finally hit the wall. Time for a rather dramatic life style change.

These past 10 days we’ve been involved with the move to the spare bedroom in our daughter’s house.

Such things as painting the walls, installing new flooring, and scheduling delivery of our new bedroom furniture.

Not only must I adapt to living in a house, it seems I must also learn to live as a minority. That is, as the only male on the premises.

I am no longer the Alpha Male. Could it be? Emasculated? Gulp.

Nooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am surrounded by women. And it seems they won’t acquiesce to or even recognize my lofty status as the ALPHA MALE.

I’ve tried to correct this assault on the laws of nature with logic and a calm demeanor but to no avail.

I am reminded of my new status with remarks like “Deal with it” or “Do the math” or “What are you doing” or “Back away from the thermostat”. And the most terrifying of all, the dreaded “We’re going shopping”.

I am so screwed.

Eating well though.

“Where does a man first go wrong?” – Julep Street by Craig Lancaster

Posted in America, Behavior, Food, life, men, sex, Texas, women | Tagged , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

The Facts of Life

“Never miss a good chance to shut up” – Will Rogers

Let me tell you about the birds and the bees and the flowers and the trees and a thing called love.

When a woman asks you what you think, keep your mouth shut. This is a trap. Your opinion is their excuse to blame you for everything.

This is especially true with home decoration. Color, patterns, designs etc. These are minefields to avoid.

If a woman asks for your opinion, look that woman directly in the eyes and state unequivocally that the choice is all hers and that she, and she alone, is completely responsible for HER decision.

And make sure you have witnesses.

“Laugh loud and often, as much as possible, and especially at yourself” – Critical Care by Theresa Brown

Posted in All kinds, America, Behavior, Conversations, life, Texas, women | Tagged , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Sticker Shock

“It was the word, sad. Sad has an ugly weight” – The Forgotten Man by Robert Crais

Moving to a stick house with our daughter presented us with a small dilemma. What to do with the Motorhome? Sell it? Donate it? Scrap it? Keep it? Decisions, Decisions.

Eventually we decided to keep it and this required an investment of shrinking funds to make it drivable and livable.

Time and the Texas sun wreaked havoc with the old gal, especially the windshield.

The rubber gasket holding the windshield had to be replaced. It had deteriorated so much that the windshield was beginning to fall out.

Cruising at 65 was like flying a mission with the Red Baron in WWI. The wind. The sound. Boogeyman at 3 o’clock.

So………………………..contacted a local glass co. Told them what I needed.

Tech comes out. Eyeballs the situation. Takes measurements. Utters a few Tsk, Tsks. Shakes his head. Frowns.

I’m not liking the body language. This could go south in a hurry.

Next day I get a call from said glass co.

Total cost including labor will be $1,700.

What? Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo! Not possible.

Could you repeat that? $1,700. Are you sure? I want to see the invoice with breakdown.

There it is. In black and white. Gasket+shipping+packing+tax+mark up comes to $1,000. Labor $700. Total $1,700.

Moral of the story – Get in the gasket business.

“What seed ripened more fruitfully than greed” – Criss Cross by Tom Kakonis

Posted in America, Conversations, Jobs, life, Texas | Tagged , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Texas Proud

“Our government protects aliens, drunks and U.S. Senators” – Will Rogers

 

All Congressmen, Senators, and, indeed, the entire Federal Government in D.C. should take a long look at the way Texas and our governor in particular, Greg Abbott, has responded to this horrible disaster that hit our gulf coast.

Hey Washington – pay attention. This is how it’s done.

 

“Be thankful we’re not getting all the government we’re paying for” – Will Rogers

Posted in America, Kindness, life, NEWS, Texas | Tagged , , , , , | Leave a comment

Guardian Angel

“The two most important days in a man’s life is the day he’s born and the day he learns why – Mark Twain

Throughout my life, despite a few serious bumps in the road, I’ve been very fortunate.

Moments when fate could easily have ruined my life but it didn’t.

My wife swears I have a guardian Angel. Well, I don’t know about that. However…..

We worked a gate in Victoria, TX for a year.

In July I made a quick decision to leave. We’d had enough. July 21, with Victoria in the rearview mirror, we packed our bags and hit the road north.

Watching the weather channel track and report on Hurricane Harvey as it slams the Texas coast, I wonder. Looking over my shoulder. Guardian Angel? Is it possible?

Well, if you really exist, keep up the good work.

“Absence of Evidence is not Evidence of Absence” – Unbound by Richard L. Currier

Posted in America, Behavior, escape, God, karma, life, Strange, Texas | Tagged , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Girl in a Glass Cage

“I have a theory that the truth is never told during the nine to five hours” – Hunter S. Thompson

Just fill out this form, front and back, initial here and here and sign and date here.

At this point a confession is required. My handwriting is terrible. My printing is undecipherable.

Even I can’t read my scribbling. I read what I wrote 5 minutes ago and wonder – “What the hell,,,,,,,,,,,”

It hasn’t always been this way. Years ago, my cursive was legible. You could read and understand it. Now, at the ripe age of 74, not so much.

The problem is that I seem to have lost some control over the muscles in my hands and fingers. Not too much but enough to make my hand writing more confusing than Egyptian hieroglyphics.

Back to the form.

So I take a seat and, with the clipboard and form balanced on my leg, I proceed.

You know on most forms where they ask sex? I really want to write “Yes” but lack the bravado.

Anyway, I complete the form and review it. It’s embarrassing.

Oh well. I give the completed form to the nice, young, girl in the glass cage.

Some ten minutes later she motions to me. Come here please.

Without looking directly at me and with said form in hand, she asks for my address. Coward? Look at me girl.

With a smile because, believe me, I’ve been through this before and really do sympathize with her dilemma, I ask – “You can’t read my handwriting, can you?”

She looks at me and says – “I didn’t want to say that”. Sweet girl.

I smile and tell her it’s OK. I can’t either.

She laughs. We are now buds. She wants my bod. I can tell.

“If you wanted to see into the future, you just had to look to the past” – Cyberstorm by Matthew Mather

Posted in All kinds, America, Behavior, health, Kindness, sex, Texas | Tagged , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Night Sounds

“Irrevocable. Do you know how long it takes to understand that word?” – The Secrets of Harry Bright by Joseph Wumbaugh

Thunder, lightning, wind and driving rain banging off the RV at 1 AM. Startles me. Eyes snap open. Something in my primeval core alerts me.

The serenade continues for another 45 minutes after which sleep alludes me. I am wide awake.

This is madness.

What’s that? A train. Oh yes. A wonderful encore to the storm.

Something about the sound of a train moving through the night. That lonesome horn blasting.

The rumble of steel on steel. Moving air. Going to some distant spot on the globe.

I really love that sound.

Night sounds.

 “Life without friends means death without company” – Death Without Company by Craig Johnson

Posted in America, earth, life, sleep, sounds, Strange, Texas | Tagged , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Just Walk On In

“Chronologies, venues, selective memories of faces and events could not, of themselves, capture the essence of a life or reveal its infinite discoveries” – Treasure Coast by Tom Kakonis

The door is open, just walk on in.

Changes. Opportunities. Options.

So many.

So fast.

The door is open, just walk on in.

So sayeth the Lord. Or possibly the Devil. Or simply life.

Thought retirement would be soooooo boooooooooring. Not so far.

In these first few weeks, many doors have opened. A few have closed.

The door is open, just walk on in.

Think we’ll just step inside and take a peek. Couldn’t hurt. Could it?

Life in these twilight years is proving to be very interesting indeed.

Hello life. I see you.

“Time. It has a way of bringing clarity, if you’re willing to sit still long enough to receive it” – Julep Street by Craig Lancaster

Posted in America, Behavior, God, human, life, Texas | Tagged , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Barking Dogs

“We age as the rest of the world watches but somehow we’re the last to know” – Death Without Company by Craig Johnson

This morning a dog barked. It woke me up.

I had not heard that sound in over a year.

It sounded wonderful. And that reaction surprised me.

Many years ago, when I was an active member of the civilized world, a barking dog waking me in the morning would have made me livid.

How curious it is to miss even the most trivial things.

Wonder what I’ll miss most about life once I step over to the other side?

Probably breathing.

“The life you thought you knew becomes suddenly alien” – Critical Care by Theresa Brown

Posted in America, Behavior, Gate Guard, life, Texas | Tagged , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment