The Scooter Experience

“The simple act of paying attention can take you a long way.” – Keanu Reeves

So there they stood. Beckoning. Teasing. Taunting.

 

What about it big boy? Want to live a little? Are you man enough to ride one of us?

As I sauntered over to these beasts of the road I muttered to myself: “I got this”. I may be an old man but I still got it. Suuuuuure!

I nudged the kickstand up, gripped the handlebar and hit the juice.

The beast, like a bolt of lightning, leapt onto the path like it was fired out of a cannon, with me hanging on. Flashes of women raising the alarm. Kids scurrying out of harm’s way.

The damn thing was on the verge of dragging me to my death or, at the very least, scraping off half my backside.

As bike riders, walkers, and runners scrambled to get out of the path of the impending disaster, somehow I managed to get the beast to stop.

There. Not so bad. And why are these people giving me such strange looks?

With as much dignity as I could muster, I sauntered to my car and left.

Tomorrow is another day. For a nice, easy walk.

“The past always looks better than it was. It’s pleasant because it isn’t here.” – Finely Peter Dunne

 

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What Does The Dishwasher Do?

“There are two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither works.” – Will Rogers

I happened to be in the kitchen one day as the ladies of the house were loading the dishwasher. They were washing each utensil, glass, and dish before loading the item into the dishwasher.

This procedure seemed odd to me so I innocently asked: What does the dishwasher do?

It sanitizes.

I spend several moments pondering the perplexities.

I should have stopped right there. I did not.

Does it wash the dishes I asked?

It sanitizes they replied.

I should have stopped right there. I did not.

Well then, if all it does is sanitize, why add soap?

I know….I should have stopped right there.

Now, with an agitated tone and a shrug of the shoulders, they reply: it assists sanitizing.

Oh hell yes………..I should have stopped right there.

Okay, girls, you are not making a lot of sense. (OOPS)

Big mistake. No steak fajitas for me that night.

“Here’s all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.” – George Carlin

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What’s The Point

“There is nothing in this world that can trouble you more than your own thoughts”

 So many family, friends, as well as the icons of my life, have passed. So many.

Just heard that Little Richard passed at 87.

It seems like every day another one bites the dust.

It’s beginning to get to me. Gnaws at me. More and more.

Facing my own mortality is part of it. But by no means the whole picture.

No.

Through introspection, I realize the demon is a feeling of emptiness. Like some integral building block of my world is gone. For good. And so….I am measurably less.

Like….what’s the point? I look around and see less and less of the anchors of my time on the planet. A permanent void.

Crazy. No?

“There is no lonelier man in death, except the suicide, than that man who has lived many years with a good wife and then outlived her. If two people love each other there can be no happy end to it.– Ernest Hemmingway

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Father Time

“The Brevity of life is hard to face.” – Unknown

Stop. Hold it right there. Just what the hell is going on here?

Just yesterday I was a mere lad of twenty-one. Now you tell me I’m seventy-seven.

What……are you nuts????

So what if it takes me ten minutes to get out of my recliner. I have issues you know.

But most of your contemporaries died in the last century.

That’s not true. My best friend in High School died in ninety-two.

Wait…..oh yea…..that was the 20th century.

Well………….it was a loud surprise.

But you have a daughter who is fifty-one.

You know something father time…………you are beginning to get on my nerves.

“To be interested in the changing seasons is a happier state of mind than to be hopelessly in love with spring.” – G. Santayana

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The Recliner

“It is better to give than lend, and it costs about the same.” – Phillip Gibbs

“We’re just waiting for you to get out of that chair.”

Those words were spoken to me last evening and caused me to laugh out loud.

Explanation.

The vast majority of us, as we age, slow down. We don’t admit it till we are forced. But alas, that day comes with inevitable certainty.

So I’m 76 and staring 77 in the eye. Ah yes baby, I am in the advanced aging process.

You should see me getting out of our 2012 Chevy Malibu. The procedure almost requires the Jaws of Life. Strength that I don’t have, agility, balance, time, space, and determination.

That is a rather long list of requirements just to exit a damn automobile. I should make a video of it and send it to AFV.

Anyway.

We have this thing where every night before I go to bed Gaby, Ann, and I engage in a group hug. Ends the day on a high note.

Last night, after a routine evening of TV, dinner, and general B.S., I ran out of gas and announced:

“Group Hug. Time for Daddy to call it a day.”

Several minutes into the extraction from my extremely comfortable recliner I notice the girls aren’t moving.

Hey ladies, I asked for a group hug.

Hey Dad, we’re just waiting for you to get out of that chair.

“Happiness in intelligent people is the rarest thing I know.– Ernest Hemmingway

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Busted

“I mistrust total competence. I’ve always felt life is a series of small disasters we try to get through.” – Michael Palin

I awoke not feeling well. I’ve experienced these symptoms too often this year. Colds. Flu. Bronchitis. Pneumonia.

So I knew this was not going to be a good day. I should see a doctor.

But……I’m a guy. Sooooooooooooo. First I’ll try to lick this thing with aspirin.

Hmmmm. Temp 100. Not bad. Low grade fever. Pop a few pills and chill.

Several days later. No improvement. Bad cough complicating things.

2 a.m. – Fitful sleep. Very tired. Not doing well.

Suddenly I sense someone is whispering to me. Trying to wake me up.

It’s my wife. Bob. Wake up. I need to take your temp.

Somewhere in the periphery of my unconscious state, I sense the interruption. I stir but do not respond.

Cold steel on my forehead.

Again. Bob. Wake up. You’ve got a temp. You need to take some aspirin.

Ok. This is getting way too serious. I just want to lay here and sleep. Don’t have any energy.

I’ll just ignore her. She’ll go away. And leave me alone.

After several futile attempts to get me to sit up, she leaves.

Finally. I win. I enjoy a quiet chuckle. Yes.

At this point, I must point out that we have one of those adjustable beds.

Suddenly a noise. Immediately my head begins to rise.

Image result for funny pics adjustable bed

And there she is with a glass of water and two pills stuck in my face.

She had forced me to sit up. She wins.

In spite of myself, I laugh inside.

The moral of this story is: beware of French women with brunette hair.

They are clever, resourceful and determined.

“The best way to find out if you can trust somebody is to trust them.– Ernest Hemmingway

 

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Sherpa Guide

“It’s hard to be a person who never gives up.” – Babe Ruth

6 P.M. St Francis.

Picked up a guy for a ride to the main entrance.

He was there to visit his 84-year-old mother.

She had fallen while getting out of bed and hurt her hip.

He said her bed is really high.

How high is it?

It is so high she needs a Sherpa guide to climb into it.

In spite of myself, I laughed.

“Don’t go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first– Mark Twain

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Jillian The Britt

“So many people are concerned with being the perfect something. I don’t want to be the perfect anything.” – Halsey

5 PM.

Late shift at St Francis. Main entrance. Rain. Fog. 47 degrees. Raw.

An elderly lady climbs in the shuttle.

Good evening.

Hi.

Where would you like to go?

To my car in P2.

We begin our journey.

I hear an accent. Mind if I ask where you’re from?

England originally.

Thought so. Never been there but I love much about England. Two of my favorite people in the world are English.

Really. Who might they be?

Winston Churchill and Sarah Brightman.

Yes. Winston was a great man. The world could use a man like that right now.

Yes he was and yes it could.

Who was the other person you mentioned?

Sarah Brightman. You know her?

No. Is she still alive?

Yes. She’s a vocalist. She was married to Andrew Lloyd Weber, one of the greatest composers who ever lived. In my humble opinion. He wrote Cats and Phantom of the Opera just to name a few.

He composed his musicals for her. Anyway, God blessed her with a beautiful voice and the ability to sing like no other.

She is my favorite of all time. She sings and I escape to a parallel world.

So how did you end up in Tulsa, OK?

It’s a long story.

I’m all ears.

Well….my father was an officer in the English Army and we’ve lived all over the world.

Cool. So have I. What countries have you lived in?

China. Germany. India. My earliest memory is of Singapore.

Wow. Singapore.

I was very young but I do remember we got on the last ship out as WWII began.

After America entered the war, I remember, as a little girl, we would watch the American G.I.s as they walked by. We would ask them for chocolate and they always had some to give us kids. One time I ran into our house and told my parents I was going to marry an American.

When I was eighteen I fell in love with an American Sergeant. When my Dad learned that we planned to marry my very proper English Officer Dad was horrified. But he’s only a Sergeant. And an American at that. You can’t.

But I could and I did. We honeymooned in Paris. How neat is that!

We migrated to Arkansas and eventually Tulsa.

Do you ever go back to visit?

Several times but I’m always glad to come back to America. I love this country.

So do I.

“I love to laugh. It’s the only way to live and enjoy each day.” – Doris Day

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People and Their Toys

“Be nice to jerks because we still don’t know the criteria for getting into heaven” – Maya Rudolph

I got a call from the main entrance to take a lady to her car.

Arrived at the entrance and an elderly lady with a big smile got in the shuttle.

Along the way, we made small talk. She was engaging and I thoroughly enjoyed the repartee.

The garage holds 800 automobiles. As we approached it I asked her the make and color of her car.

Silver Mercedes sedan she replied. It’s parked in the fourth row against the back wall.

I navigated the twists and turns and shortly arrived at a beautiful, silver, sparkling new Mercedes sedan.Image result for pics of 2019 mercedes benz

Wow. I love Mercedes cars and I’m sure I began to turn green with envy.

That is a beautiful car. How do you like it?

It’s OK.

Just OK I asked dumbfounded. Just OK? Are you kidding me?

It gets me around but I liked my BMW better. I should have bought another one.

And then there was Cindy from Arkansas. What a hoot she was.

As I was taking her to her car, she regaled me with tales of cruising the hills of Oklahoma in her Lexus hard top convertible.

 

Image result for lexus hardtop convertible 2018

I only have to push one button to lower the top. Then I crank up my Country music and hit the road.

Hope I run into her again. She was fun.

Oh yes……her husband was in the hospital recovering from a motorcycle accident.

I wonder….would these ladies be interested in tales of cruising Tulsa in my Chevy Malibu?

“If you realize that you have enough, you are truly rich.” – Lao Tzo

 

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Call Security

“Sometimes you just need a break, in a beautiful place, alone, to figure everything out.”

I got a call to pick up this guy at the Emergency Center. This is a take them to their car 99% of the time.

This rough-looking man crawls into the shuttle. Looks to be in his late sixties or early seventies.

Where do you want to go my friend?

To the Children’s Hospital.

Whoops. OK. Because the Hospital is so huge, often people park in the wrong garage and end up leaving themselves a very long walk to their destination. In these situations it is best to have them follow me to the parking garage close to where they need to go.

So I ask him where he parked.

I didn’t. I don’t have a car. I walked to the hospital.

I ponder that for a minute.

Mind if I ask how far?

Five miles.

Five miles. Why?

I had a heart attack.

I’m beginning to suspect a line of B.S. is flowing my way. No one in their right mind has a heart attack and walks five miles to a hospital.

How do you know you had a heart attack?

I’ve had five of them. I know a heart attack.

Wow. My mind is racing. This guy had a heart attack and walked five miles to the Emergency Center. Now he wants to go to the Children’s Hospital.

Shouldn’t you be back at the Emergency Center? Why do you want to go to the Children’s Hospital?

I got tired of waiting. Besides, I want to see my grandson before he dies.

At this point I start to doubt my hearing. Did I just hear what I heard?

What? Wait a minute. How old is your Grandson?

Four years old.

Oh man. How to react to that. He seems so sincere. Either this guy is the world’s biggest B.S. artist or one of its most unfortunate souls.

I kind of meekly ask…what is he dying of?

Something to do with his stomach.

We arrive at the Children’s Hospital. As he disappears through the doors I don’t know whether to feel sadness or call Security.

As I continue to prowl the hospital grounds, in a garage near the main entry, five cops have a man in handcuffs.

Is this a hospital or a circus? Hey God……are you pranking me?

 

“When I started counting my blessings, my whole life turned around.” – Willie Nelson

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